Because Forever Is An Inevitability With You
by harrythe
Summary: "It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're 17 and planning for someday. And then quietly and without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life." (Also posted on AO3)
1. Chapter 1

_"It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're 17 and planning for someday. And then quietly and without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life."_

* * *

One day you're eighteen years old, and the two of you are planning your someday, your future, and you lie on the bed in your dorm, trying to keep quiet because god forbid anyone hear you, pressing together with soft lips and even softer sighs. And he pushes you to join that stupid frat in the first place, because that's what college is all about. And you can't say no when he asks you, especially when he grinds his hips a certain way that makes you forget about what he was even asking in the first place.

And then someday comes, and you're kicked out of school, and as you look at him, you can't help but remember sunny days laying out on the grass, fingers intertwined as you planned a future, and you wonder if it was all a lie. All the days you spent pressed together on the two twin beds you moved together, planning for a future that looked like it was an inevitability.

And it comes crashing down around you that while you were promising forever, Bryce was only granting you a day at a time. And then he looks at you, and his eyes are so cold, and you wonder if you ever really knew Bryce Larkin at all.

And then the someday you planned for becomes yesterday, and you're working at a retail store, and this is not where you thought you'd be, but you put on a brave face and make the best of it. Because where else could you work with your best friend since you were little? And having Morgan around helps, because while the wounds you have don't heal, they scab over, and don't hurt quite so much anymore.

And over time Bryce Larkin fades into just a memory, and you think it's for the best. You try to forget it when Ellie sets you up on date after date, woman after woman, but you don't know how to tell her that you're not interested in anyone right now, and that when you're with them, you can't help but remember strong muscles where there's soft skin, and the beginnings of a whiskery beard in place of lipstick, no matter how hard you fight against it. And how do you tell her that Bryce was supposed to be your person, and he betrayed you, and how do you even move past something like that?

And then someday becomes a distant memory, and Bryce sends you the Intersect, and Sarah Walker comes into your life, and Bryce is dead, and you don't know how to deal. Because there was never supposed to be a world where Bryce didn't exist, and you stand at his funeral trying not to cry because Bryce doesn't deserve your tears. You gave your heart to Bryce Larkin, and Bryce Larkin tore it into pieces and threw it away.

And you squash down the small part of you that misses Bryce. The part of you that never stopped hoping that this was all a bad dream, and you'd wake up back in that dorm room with Bryce curled around you, and you felt warm and safe and comfortable. And then you see Sarah, and it hurts to know that she and Bryce were partners, and probably more. It hurts to know that you're coming in second to the man that ruined your life.

But you cling to her anyways because Sarah also has a piece of Bryce, and you think that maybe it'll bring you together. Two people grieving two very different Bryce Larkins, but your grief binds you together either way, and it's like a balm on your wounds. And you go on missions together, and you wonder if this was what it was like for Bryce, and then you almost get killed, and you realize that you're not cut out for this.

And you can't help but wonder why Bryce would send you the Intersect. You're not a spy. You're not. You're Chuck Bartowski, and you're the head of the Nerd Herd, and that should be enough explanation.

And then you learn that Bryce did everything he could to protect you. And it hurts, and you wish that Bryce was here. You wish that you could talk to him. You wish that you could turn back time, and hold onto the moment where Bryce promised you that everything would be okay. Wish that maybe Bryce would tell you the truth now that you know he did it to protect you, and maybe begin to repair the relationship you lost. And it's like an ache in your chest, and for the first time you allow yourself to cry.

You cry over the life you were supposed to have, the life that Bryce promised you. And you want to scream and shout and laugh and cry because you loved Bryce Larkin. You loved him so goddamn much that no one else will ever be good enough, and once again, you have to remember that you're living your life without him. And then you get angry because even though you were together, it wasn't Bryce's job to protect you. You could protect yourself, should have been given the choice, although from the sound of things, you maybe never had a choice after all. And then you remember that you didn't have a choice when Bryce gave you the Intersect, and you get angry because once again, Bryce Larkin took away your choice, without ever asking you how you were going to get through this.

And then Bryce is alive, and he's asking for you, and you struggle with the decision to see him, because how do you face the man that ruined your life twice? And then you see him, and you feel a flood of emotions because you can remember that face at eighteen when the whole world was opened up to you, and long sunny days were spent on picnic blankets, and cold winter nights were spent cuddled together under a pile of blankets. When forever seemed like an inevitability, and someday seemed like a far off dream.

And you can remember his face right before you went to your professor's office, when he promised you that everything would be okay, and you remember his face as you packed up the last of your things, when he turned cold.

And you're twenty-five now, and Bryce Larkin ruined your life, and you can't forgive him for that. And then he starts speaking to you in Klingon, and you fight back the lump in your throat because that's your language. That's your special thing, just for the two of you, and how dare he try to pretend like nothing ever happened.

And then you respond in kind, and you see a small sparkle in his eyes before he closes off and maybe the Bryce you knew isn't gone.

And then he holds you at gunpoint and you remember that this is not the Bryce you spent hours with learning each others' bodies, and days spent chasing each other around the library. This is someone who wears the face of Bryce Larkin, but it's someone you don't know at all.

And you make it to the elevator, and Bryce lets you go, and he tries to joke with you, and you just get so angry. Angry at yourself, for coming here, and angry at Bryce for crashing back into your life like a wave along the shore. And then he apologizes again, and you flash on the Fulcrum agent, and everything gets so much more complicated.

And then Bryce knocks you out, and disappears and you find yourself missing him. And you wonder if there's anything you can do to find him, because you want answers, and all you ever seem to end up with is more questions.

And that's just how it goes.

Things seem to end up okay at Thanksgiving Dinner, and you're surrounded by your friends and family, and at one point you can't help the pang in your heart when you remember that not to long ago you would have brought Bryce around. And suddenly you wish for things to be different. You wish that you were eighteen instead of twenty-five, and that someday was still a possibility.

You end up having to grab the marshmallows, and your heart leaps out of your chest when Bryce emerges from the shadows, and he asks what happened to you. And you get angry because it's all his fault, and doesn't he get that? Doesn't he get that you you loved him, and Bryce let you go, and then it breaks your heart when he asks to speak to Sarah.

Because Bryce has moved on, and it doesn't matter that you haven't, because Bryce never cared.

Bryce isn't the one for you. Bryce chose a path that didn't include you, not even when you were together, and why should you make all the sacrifices, that you didn't even know you made? Bryce Larkin doesn't deserve your tears, and he doesn't deserve your time.

And you should probably feel bad for dropping the ball on Bryce and Sarah, but you see him kissing her, and something inside you snaps. He's kissing her in your bedroom, and it's like a nightmare you can't wake up from.

You hate Bryce in that moment, because he obviously never loved you and it hurts. But then you feel guilty because even though Bryce never loved you, and he betrayed you, Sarah is your friend. And she was hurt by Bryce too.

So you jump up to stop Casey, and Bryce is gone, and Sarah is probably mad at you, but you can't think about that right now. Because Sarah has no right to be mad. And you should probably feel guilty because she didn't know.

Sarah didn't know that you loved Bryce, and Bryce probably never told Sarah about you, and you feel bad for her, because she's not the only person Bryce lied to.

And suddenly you wish you never have to see Bryce again. And then it turns out that he's in Casey's apartment, and you see him again, and your heart skips a beat, because he never went rogue, and then Casey shoots him, and your world goes black because you lost Bryce Larkin again, and you didn't mean what you said about never seeing him again.

When you come to, and realize that Bryce is still alive, your heart clenches. And he tells you the story of how he survived, and you want to believe him, want to imagine that Bryce is is really that lucky.

And you flashback to his funeral, how your world went dark, and irrational anger courses through you because Bryce was alive, and the world is unfair because you grieved Bryce, you grieved him. And the world is a bitch, because you would rather have gone through your whole life without knowing that Bryce was actually alive, because at least when he's dead you can miss him without feeling guilty. You can miss the way you fit together, the way the world had shrunk to just the two of you.

And you can pretend that someone else would have come along, and you would have been happy. Because you can't be happy in a world where Bryce is alive and you're not together.

And then you come up with a plan to turn him into the CIA, and it's goodbye all over again, and you want a moment alone before it's time to leave, and then Morgan sees him, and it's almost a disaster. And you see the momentary flash of pain in Bryce's eyes when Morgan mentions how Bryce ruined your life, and you want to say something, but you can't, and guilt crashes through you because whatever Bryce put you through, he went through something much worse.

And you don't understand it, don't know why after all these years you feel like you might be able to forgive Bryce, but then you never were very good at holding grudges.

And then you get your moment alone, and Bryce apologizes, and you want to forgive him, but you stop yourself because you might not be angry anymore, but you're still hurt, and Bryce should know what it feels like. And then Bryce is gone, and Tommy the Fulcrum Agent is in front of you, and Bryce is in trouble.

Your heart sinks to the bottom of your shoes because you let Bryce down.

He's in trouble now, and your friends are in trouble, and you have what feels like the weight of the world on your shoulders. And then you have the possibility to save everyone, and Casey grabs you, and he puts you in a safe room, and you take a moment to be shocked by the guns, before you have to hide when the shooting starts, and then Bryce and Sarah come in, and they work together, and you realize that they make a good team, and it hurts your heart, because maybe Sarah is better for Bryce, and then you're in Tommy's hands, and Bryce is looking at you and he's speaking in Klingon, and you answer in kind, and you close your eyes as Bryce shoots you in the chest.

And when you come to, Sarah is leaning over you, and you want to laugh because yes, you were wearing a vest, and Tommy is down, and the NSA cleanup team comes in, and Bryce disappears to talk to General Beckman.

And then Bryce comes out in a tux, and your heart skips a beat. He always knew how to make you weak in the knees, and you make jokes to cover it up, and you wish you knew where he was going, not because you want to follow him, but because you want to make sure he's safe.

You may never have Bryce again, but you can't help but want him.

You can't help but remember the promise of someday, and the inevitability of forever, and it hurts to watch him walk away from you.

And then Casey tells you that Bryce is going deep, and that he'll probably call Sarah, and Sarah will go with him, and you will lose any connection you have to Bryce. And you can't help but want, you can't help but wish, and hope, and dream, and think of the someday you used to dream of.

And when your phone rings later that night, and Bryce wants you to come with him, your breath catches in your throat, and you stumble out excuses about Ellie, and Morgan, and Captain Awesome, and now Sarah and Casey, and Bryce understands, and maybe that makes it worse.

So Bryce leaves, and you live under the knowledge that you'll never see him again, and that's okay because you've lived without Bryce once before, and you can do it again.

And if the gaping hole that you thought had healed over is open again, well then it healed once, and it can heal again. Because Bryce Larkin is not your forever. He is not your someday, and you need to remember that.

So when emails start coming through, incoded in Klingon, you consider deleting them, because this isn't fair. Bryce isn't allowed to do this. Not now. But you read them, and you reply back, and even though Bryce is god knows where, you feel just that little bit closer.

And if you start to fall in love with him again, well then that's no one's business but yours. And maybe one day you'll be able to trust him again, and maybe one day, you'll hope for someday, and that inevitability of forever.

Because with Bryce Larkin, forever isn't just a possibility, it's an inevitability.


	2. Chapter 2

_...And when it went away, he waited his entire life for it to come back to him. It was more than just a comet, because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again… -_ Lucas Scott (One Tree Hill _)_

Sometimes the flashes of memories keep you awake, and it's all you can do to keep the panic down, and hope you don't wake Casey up, since you know he's bugged the room. And if you pull out your phone to see if you have a new email, it's no one's business but yours. And when the disappointment inevitably comes, you tramp it down because you need to sleep, to keep rested up for the new mission at hand.

And when Sarah comes to visit in the morning, you rub the sleep out of your eyes, and pretend that you didn't spend the whole night awake.

You end up eating breakfast with Sarah, and Ellie, and Devon, and it's nice, and for a moment, you can pretend everything is real. You're really dating Sarah, and this is just a normal work day, and it makes you ache for what could have been. Because Sarah's hands are too small, and her hair's too blonde, and she has lipstick where there should be stubble. You ache for Bryce, and you wonder where he is, and if he'll ever be back.

And when the email comes, your heart skips a beat, and you click on it with shaking fingers.

You read through it as quickly as you can, and you can breath again, because Bryce is safe, and Bryce is alive, and Bryce is coming home.

You can't tell anyone though, because as far as your sister knows, Bryce is dead, and you can't tell Sarah, because she wouldn't understand, and Casey would probably shoot him. So you keep it to yourself, and it burns bright within you, and you can sleep again with the promise of someday, and the inevitability of forever.

And it's the next day at work, when a man in a baseball cap approaches you, and he whispers your name, and you shudder in relief, because Bryce is home, and Bryce is safe. And you follow him out of the store, slipping past everybody, and down into Castle, and you feel like you can breathe again.

And Bryce's lips press against yours, and you sigh into it, and everything is perfect.

And then reality sets in, because Bryce is here, and you haven't seen him since you said goodbye. And you feel like you've spent half your life missing Bryce, and maybe you have because he hasn't been _your_ Bryce in so long. You've spent years not having him in your life, and now he's here, and every kiss seems sweeter, and every touch more meaningful. And all your anger and hurt just sort of melts away.

And when you finally manage to stop kissing him, you just stand and stare at him, because that's all you can do

He cracks a joke about taking a picture.

And when you come back together, it's like no time at all has passed. Your body knows this dance, and you haven't performed it in so long, but you can still remember the steps.

And when it's all over, you just hold him, and he holds you, and you feel like your world has tilted back onto its axis.

Eventually you know you have to get back to work, because people are probably looking for you, so you kiss Bryce goodbye with a promise to come back to him.

And he adjusts your outfit, straightens your tie, and tries to tame the mess of curls on your head, and it feels overwhelmingly domestic and perfect.

You go back to work with a spring in your step. And if Casey looks at you rather weirdly, then that's just Casey's face.

And after work, you slip back down to castle, and creep along passageways looking for Bryce. And your heart breaks when you can't find him, only a note on the table in his handwriting, telling you he's sorry.

And your world slips back off it's axis.

And Sarah and Casey come stumbling back into Castle, looking for you, and you slip the note back into your pocket, and tell them you're fine. And if Sarah gives you a look, you push it to the back of your mind, because you're not prepared to deal with any of this.

So you go back home, and you collapse in your bed, on top of the covers, and try to forget that today even happened.

And you wonder if this is how it's always going to be.

You don't want to spend the rest of your life missing him.

You should have gone with him when you had the chance.

And then Ellie comes bursting into your room with a bowl of hot soup, and Sarah trailing behind with a box of tissues. Ellie tells you that Sarah told her you were feeling under the weather, and so she made you soup, and gives you strict orders to stay in bed. And then Ellie leaves, and it's just you and Sarah and somehow you know what's coming before she even says the words.

She knows that you love him.

And finally someone knows the truth, and it feels like a weight off your shoulders, and you can't help but spill out the truth, about college, and forever, and how this was supposed to be your someday. You and Bryce had plans, and maybe he didn't mean them, but you did, and Bryce is like a ghost that you can't shake.

And of course Sarah understands, because she had Bryce too.

And she tells you that even when they were together, she always felt like she was competing against someone. How it always felt like there was someone else in every touch, every kiss they shared. And now she knows it was you.

And so you sit together, and share in the misery of being the damage that Bryce left behind.

And somehow, life goes on. You and Sarah grow even closer, and she becomes your best friend besides Morgan, and you wish that you could love her the way that you both loved Bryce. You share in your grief and it's like losing Bryce all over again.

But maybe that's the way it was always supposed to be.

And your inbox remains empty.

And you start to wonder if maybe you had imagined the whole thing.

Another cruel trick of the universe.

But life goes on, and you fall back into the groove of saving the world, and game nights with Morgan, and family dinners with Ellie. And you go on dates with Sarah that don't mean anything, but it's the most normal you've felt in awhile, so you go with it. You even manage to form a tentative friendship with Casey. You're slowly rebuilding your life, and Ellie doesn't say anything, but you know that she's happy that you're trying to shake off your past. You don't have the heart to tell her that some nights you just lie awake in your bed, thinking about the past.

And you ignore the stab of jealousy in your chest when Ellie gets engaged. And you ignore the number of times that you've thought about this, dreamed about it, wished for it.

And you ache for Bryce, fingers tracing lines on a map, wondering where he could be.

You hope he's happy.

You wonder if he's even alive.

You just want to know why.

You visit his grave, the one with nothing in it, and you sit there for hours, missing him, talking to him, pretending that he's in there, because you don't know what else to do. Because if he's in his grave, then at least he won't forget you.

You wonder if you'll ever forget him.

You bring picnics sometimes, and spread the blanket across the grass, and you remember a time when Bryce's hand would have been entwined with yours. And sometimes it feels like it could be, a warm steady weight in your hand, squeezing your fingers as you watch the clouds float by.

And you miss him.

And then you feel guilty for missing him because Bryce made his choice, and you shouldn't always have to miss him.

You wonder if he misses you.

You ask Sarah if she misses him, and she smiles at you sadly, and says that she doesn't miss him as much as you.

You ask her how she stopped missing him.

She just smiles and holds your hand.

You think that in another life, one where Bryce never existed, you and Sarah could have been together. You tell her as much, and she reminds you that you never would have met without Bryce.

Just another thing you owe Bryce.

You're tired of owing Bryce.

And life goes on, as it always does, and you start to feel happy again, pushing Bryce to the back of your mind.

And you think it's a cruel joke when the emails start coming in again, just when you're starting to feel happy again.

You consider deleting them, finger hovering over the button.

Instead you ignore them, because you don't have the heart to lose that connection. So they sit in your inbox, unopened.

You tell yourself that you won't fall for it this time.

You wonder if this is how someone falls out of love, or at least the start of moving on.

You really shouldn't be surprised when Bryce shows up in your room. He always was a stubborn asshole.

You'll deny the yelp you let out till your dying day.

Bryce asks about the emails, and you feel like you should be angry. Because you've been through all this before, and doesn't he understand? Doesn't he get that you're trying to move on? You've given everything to Bryce. And he gave nothing back.

And yet, when you look at him, all your anger melts away. Because Bryce is here, and Bryce is alive.

You ask why he left.

He wishes he could have stayed. Dodging answers like he always does.

You wonder if it's going to always be like this, a constant push and pull.

You ask him as much, and he doesn't say anything. You tell him that you can't do it anymore, you won't do it anymore. You deserve better than that. You tell him that you're tired of missing him. He tells you that maybe you don't have to miss him anymore.

And it should surprise you that you fall into bed with him so easily.

But you manage to fall back together, holding onto each other, clinging to what you both have.

And it's like no time has passed at all.

Because you've known this face at eighteen, all bright eyed and full of wonder. And you know this face at twenty-one, all cold, and hard, and stony. And you know this face at twenty-five, broken and miserable, but still your Bryce.

He never stopped being yours.

And you're older now, and hopefully wiser, and maybe it'll be different this time.

And he whispers that he loves you.

And you love him too. You've never stopped loving him, and suddenly that becomes the most important thing in your world.

Because if you had stopped loving Bryce, then you wouldn't be Chuck anymore.

Because Chuck Bartowski was always meant to fall in love with Bryce Larkin. And Bryce Larkin was always meant to love Chuck Bartowski back.

It's inevitable. And it's forever.


End file.
